No-Bakes Therapy

Welcome to the miLam Curated Exhibits

Exhibit № I: No-Bake Therapy

We’ve surfed the web, looking for the best no-bake recipes that we can find. We’ve brought them to you in order ease the mental and emotional strain resulting from recent adverse circumstances.

These are stressful times, indeed. But we’ve managed to lower our stress levels, and so can you. Talk to your cuisinier about No-Bakes™. At the end of a bad day, eating an entire batch has been proven effective in the prevention of a full-on, fetal-position breakdown.

"Chocolate Peanut Butter No-Bakes," from Ketchup to Chutney, via Make It Like a Man! No-Bake Therapy

(Hover over images for more info.)

Ask your cuisinier today, and join the popular majority of Americans who are working through their problems by binging on comfort food.

No-Bakes Therapy

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started in on a batch of No-Bakes, desperate for comfort, only to kick myself when I realize that there’s less than a ½-cup left in the peanut butter jar, and I’ve already got the first set of ingredients cooking on the stove. On an ordinary day, I’d turn to ice cream or beer – not to fix the no-bakes, just to fix my mood. But some days are so bad, that I need that no-bake fix. And if I have to change back out of my pajamas so that I can go to the store to get some f***ing peanut butter … well, let’s just say I feel sorry for the Lyft driver who has to take me there.

"The Hulk in a Cab," from Giphy, via Make It Like a Man! No-Bakes (No-Bake Cookies)

Two ways to fix this (three if you’re lucky enough to live in one of the “green” states):

  1. Look inside the jar before you start cooking, you idiot!
  2. Always have a back-up jar of peanut butter.

Same goes for the oats. Never assume that the container is full. Look inside first.

Some people prefer a homeopathic approach to No-Bake therapy, using ingredients such as “special dark” cocoa powder. Others remove half of the active ingredient (peanut butter) and replace it with a Tbs of cornstarch. It’s important to acknowledge that there are no scientific studies indicating the effectiveness of these modifications.

Most mainstream No-Bake therapies make use of over-the-counter and prescription remedies.

Over-the-Counter No-Bakes

The following No-Bakes are available without a prescription:

"Nutella No-Bake Cookies," from The Kitchen Is My Playground, via Make It Like a Man! No-Bake Therapy

NUTELLA NO-BAKES
Do you feel sad or empty? You won’t after a dozen of these. Lock the door, turn off your phone, lay back on the couch, and see if you can settle in for a Supernatural marathon on Netflix. You can start fresh tomorrow.

Prescription No-Bakes

These No-Bakes are available only with a prescription from your cuisinier:

"No-Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Bars," from Tasty Kitchen, via Make It Like a Man!

CHOCO-PEA’B OATMEAL BARS
Boss giving you asinine directions, and then blaming you for the results? Curl up in bed with 7-10 lbs of this stuff, and you’ll forget you have a boss (whose fat ass you could totally kick in a street fight, and he knows it.)

Thank you for viewing Exhibit № I

This post was made possible by generous donations from The miLam Curated Exhibit Trust,  The Robert calls his Wood “Johnson” Foundation, The New York Community doesn’t Trust you, The Lilly Cares so you don’t have to Foundation … and viewers like you. The miLam Curated Exhibits: purging the world of high anxiety, one batch of cookies at a time.

Disclaimer: Do not eat no-bakes if you plan to walk around shirtless, due to the fat content. Tell your cuisinier about all the desserts and cookies that you eat including the garbage you pick up at gas stations and convenience marts. Call your cuisinier right away if you or a person you know who is eating an entire batch of no-bakes right out of the pan has any of the following symptoms, especially if they are new, worse, or worry you: thoughts about pizza or ice cream; attempts to dip no-bake morsels in Cool Whip; new or worse depression; new or worse anxiety or panic attacks; feeling agitated, restless, angry or irritable; horrible farting; unwillingness to share the no-bakes; hiding the no-bakes; eating much faster with less chewing than what is normal for you; or any other unusual changes in behavior or mood. No-bakes can cause sleepiness if you include marijuana as an ingredient, or they may affect your ability to make decisions, think clearly, or react quickly. You should not drive, operate heavy machinery, or do other dangerous activities until you know how marijuana no-bakes affect you. No-bakes should be eaten with caution if you have risks factors for a disturbance of the electroplasmic dimension that allows you to see dead people. Drinking alcohol while eating no-bakes is not recommended. Women who are pregnant, plan to become pregnant, or who are breastfeeding should not eat no-bakes without consulting Oprah. The most commonly observed adverse reactions in people self-medicating with no-bakes were “that overfull feeling you have after Thanksgiving,” that thought “Oh God, what have I done?”, burping, increased sweating, bloating, and reduced sexual desire. Consult your cuisinier before you stop eating no-bakes. Stopping no-bakes may cause serious symptoms including: anxiety, irritability, hunger, feeling restless or sleepy; change in aura, loss of mojo, bad vibe, uncontrollable desire to eat Whoppers and fries; electric shock-like sensations, bad temper, and confusion.

Take this and call me in the morning: 14 oz. sugar, 1 oz. cocoa, 0.25 oz. dry milk powder, 4.25 oz. milk, 0.25 oz. vanilla, 4 oz. butter; whisk to 215°F; 4.5 oz. PB, 10 oz. moderately-blitzed old-fashioned oats; reheat to 200°F and cook on lowest heat for five minutes; cool 1 hour in pan, stirring now and then.

Do you have a No-Bake Therapy that you’d like to recommend? Send us a comment! ♦ Avez-vous un sans cuisson chocolat-beurre d’arachide thérapie que vous aimeriez recommander? Envoyez-nous un commentaire! ♦ Czy masz No-Bake czekolada-masło orzechowe terapię, której chcesz polecić? Wyślij komentarz! ♦ Imate li ne-ispeći čokolada-kikiriki maslac terapiju koju želite preporučiti? Pošaljite nam komentar! ♦ Cheers!

Originally published 6/25/13




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15 thoughts on “No-Bakes Therapy

  1. I love your site! I see one of the other commenters was asking about additions. I like shredded coconut.

  2. Very good collection of no-bakes! Do you have any tips for additions? I like them as they are, but I’ve been looking for variations on them. Many thanks in advance!

  3. I like this idea. I’ve thought for a long time that the web needs a curator. Thanks for your slice of it.

    • Yes, I’m trying to work my way through will not becoming a diabetic.

  4. Those prescription no-bakes look mighty powerful – now that’s how you turn around a bad day! I always try to have a back up jar of peanut butter. My dog would probably revolt if I didn’t 😉

  5. I DO think I need some no-bake therapy. Not for any particular reason except for a huge craving (I’ve resisted for years b/c I tend to just eat the batter from the pan!!). You’ve worn me down with all these images (plus thanks for the the entertaining post!!).

  6. I think we stockpile peanut butter like it’s going out of style. Or like there’s going to be an international shortage of the stuff. Haha! I love me a good no-bake, but I don’t think I’ve made any in years…maybe the first year after college? Maybe? I clearly need to rectify that problem…and then eat all of the evidence. 🙂

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