I’m always up for a good burger. When I’m not manning the kitchen, I’m looking for a spot to grab one, preferably with a beer.

This is the 2nd of a multi-post series on Coffee, WIFI, and Good Eats in Archer Heights. To read it from the beginning, click here.

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Good Eats in Archer Heights

Yes, that’s on the south side, out near the airport. No, I’m not kidding.

Log On, Chicago. Edition VI/ii

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Illinois Bar and Grill

4135 W. 47th Street

So, you’ve picked up your buddy from MDW and you’re both hungry. A mecca of Polish food so good you want to have sex with it lies in between you and the West Loop, but if you’re not in the mood for that, try the Illinois Bar and Grill. Yeah, that’s right. I’m suggesting that you’re out-of-towner’s first Chicago food experience will be had on the south side. Don’t worry; given The Windy City’s typical traffic, you’ll be hungry again by the time you reach the Randolph Street.

I was lured into the Illinois Bar and Grill by a sign on the building says, “Best burger in Illinois.” That’s quite a claim. On that same sign, it also says “Best burger in the USA,” which renders the former statement redundant. I almost rejected it at that point, thinking I didn’t want to fork over my hard-earned dollars to some Sox fans who don’t understand logic. But hunger and curiosity prevailed.

I poured down a “Blue Moon” (delicious). I was going to order the “XXX large double breast chicken sandwich” until I got to the last two words.^[1] So instead, I chowed down a 16-oz “bacon burger” (which is an astonishingly inexpensive $7.95) with cheddar and everything, and “premium batter dipped onion rings.” (Aren’t all onion rings batter dipped? Again with the redundancy!) The rings came to the table as an appetizer rather than with the burger, which I didn’t specify but quite liked. They were served with a generous side of a ranch-like dipping sauce, over which I preferred ketchup.

Favorite South-Sider

2nd Favorite South-Sider

On the plus side, I will say that the Illinois Bar and Grill bacon burger is unique. I’ve never been served a similar burger. I will also say that the bacon wasn’t just “bacon.” It was thick-cut, delicious bacon. The particular combination they call “everything” was also appetizing.

If you’re the kind of person who considers “big” to mean “better,” then you may be thrilled to hear that it was unarguably big.^[2] It arrived on a small dinner plate, and filled the entire plate. There was no way in hell that I was going to successfully lift it with two hands and get it to my mouth. Even if I did, I think it unlikely that my mouth would unhinge wide enough to let me get practical bites out of it. I had to slice it in half, and then slice the halves into wedding-cake slices. I’m sure every south-sider in that bar was aghast – or would’ve been if they understood words like “aghast.” “Big” is not a plus (at least not in this context), nor is it necessarily a negative.

The down-side starts here: the bun was dry and uninteresting. Could’ve been a fluke. In addition, the burger was more cooked than I’d’ve preferred, but I suppose I could’ve asked for it to be more rare. (I didn’t specify.) Neither of those are out-and-out deal-breakers.

My general impression: it was a good, somewhat interesting burger. Will I dream about it in the nights ahead? No.

Burger was better leftover.

My Favorite South-Sider
Eating a Burger

The onion rings were fantastic. As good as the best I’ve had.

Will I go to this bar again? Well, I won’t not go to it. It had ambiance, man, and lots of it! Hell yes. Sweet little neighborhood bar. Unassuming. Looks like a dive on the outside, warm and something that’d be right at home in the U.P. on the inside.

What about these claims, though? Is it the best burger in Illinois? As much as I love burgers and eat them all the damn time, my first instinct is to say that I don’t feel qualified to speak about them on the state level. But I second-guess that by asserting that I don’t need to be; logically, I only need to be able to say whether or not I’ve had a better burger in the State of Illinois. And I have: Five Guys. I’m not saying Five Guys is the best burger in Illinois. That’s a different argument. I’m only saying that they serve them in Illinois, and that I prefer them to Illinois Bar and Grill. Set game match, Illinois Bar and Grill. Five Guys are juicier, tastier, and easier to handle.

So, does Illinois Bar and Grill have the best burger in the USA? It couldn’t possibly, since it’s already lost on the state level. Nonetheless, what an outlandish claim. Joe’s Friendly Tavern in Empire, Michigan serves the best burger in the USA. Everybody knows that.

Illinois Bar and Grill

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Notes:

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