This is the 2nd of a 2-part post on Salad and Ranch Dressing. To start from the beginning, click here.

Salad, Ranch Dressing, and Pioneering Women

Maybe the best way to confront this man vs. salad thing is to slap you in the face with some tough, clever, sexy women – women who saw right through our macho big-guy bullshit and said fuckit – women who wouldn’t put up with your if-you-ask-nicely-I-might-toss-that-salad-for-you-but-there’s-no-way-I’m-having-it-for-dinner attitude.
(jump to dressings)

Salad № 3

Salad № 3

Coco Chanel: you owe her one

Apple, mushroom, tomato; red, green, and yellow bell pepper; celery, and romaine, undressed (please avert your eyes if you’re prone to feeling shame) and just begging to get slathered up and dished out. Should Christian fundamentalists ever succeed in overthrowing the government from within, this kind of raw, naked, earthiness along with the unrepentant commingling of fruits and vegetables is likely to land you in prison more times than all the Pankhurst women put together; however, the excellent salad dressing skills you learned via this post should help keep you safe if you wind up in the cooler. A good peppercorn ranch is hard to come by on the inside.

Salad № 4

Salad № 4

Sharpshooter Annie Oakley could hit the thin edge of a playing card at 30 paces, shoot distant targets behind her while looking in a mirror, and take off the end of a lit cigarette while it was still between your trembling lips. Not to be fucked with, gentlemen. When she wasn’t busy doing that, she was shooting the shit with Chief Sitting Bull. Whaddya you got, bro? Call of Duty and an online friend named IrishInsanity26?

Romaine, crushed pretzel, corn, cucumber, and grated carrot, with an awesome knife … whoops, here’s another one with oil-and-vinegar dressing. No reason it couldn’t be ranch! By the way, this particular ingredient combination goes down great with a beergarita.

Woah! Ranch Dressing

I modeled this recipe after one I found at The Pioneer Woman. If you’ve suffered at the hands of fools who’ve duped you into believing that salads aren’t manly, then my mentioning a woman as the source of this dressing recipe might tempt you to slam the lid of your laptop closed, or switch to porn, or down a beer and a shot. But dude, she’s a pioneer woman. She could probably rope and tie your ass in 15 seconds. She probably has a loaded rifle propped up just inside the front door of her log cabin ranch house, just in case you show up drunk … again.

This is my favorite way to use up leftover sour cream. I like to improvise with stuff like this, based on my preferences and what I have commonly on hand … so what follows is my modified ingredient list. I’m hoping the Pioneer Woman doesn’t bitch slap me for dicking with her recipe.

I often don’t thin out this dressing with milk. Granted, the dressing winds up as thick as a chip dip, but oh my God what a salad you’ll have!

Ranch Dressing № 2

With the addition of more paprika, and maybe some chili powder and/or cumin, this could be a good chip dip.
Inspired by: Ranch Dressing, from Everyday Cooking with Dr. Dean Ornish, Harper Collins, 1st ed., 1996, pg. 195-96.

Caesar never lost a war AND he fixed the fucking calendar, dude. He loved salad so much, they named one after a guy who was named after him.

In 1930, Amy Johnson said hey, fuck this Newcastle shit, and flew to Australia for an ice cold Fosters. I think she would’ve scoffed at you and your impish fear of salad.

Quinoa, Almond, and Arugula

Should I promise you that at the bottom of every salad bowl is a Beyonce? I dunno.

Notes

See Also:

Fruit Salad

Goat Cheese

And:

Real Men Eat Green
Moroccan Beef Salad
Fuck Salad! Real Men Eat Meat!
This is the most beautiful pepper I’ve ever held.
How a Real Man Makes a Salad
How Science Thinks You Should Construct Salad

♠